Passion

Life is so much better when you discover your passion. A sensation of joy in all that you do. My passion started at a young age. In the mist of chaos. I always enjoyed order. Neatness and creating a sense of vision in a location. By finding the beauty around any location. On car rides I would look out the window and take in all the motions of people walking . The gestures in the newscast faces as the 10 o'clock news came on. The way they talked. I would vision a snapshot in my head. A photogenic memory. Was something I always had but never took to notice. I love making memories in photos. For I have found that it is the one thing that never changes. Even when the people in the do. I love photography. Creating a vision. To share with others. Its amazing that I can put what my mind sees into a creative photo. Show the beauty what I see. Without words. Without a single explanation. I can show you all that I see and make you feel an emotion. Within a captured moment.

Along with photography . I truly enjoy interior design. I appreciate all forms of design. But affordable design catches my interests the most. I truly appreciate making a space cozy and beautiful on a sensible budget. For life is about living and making memories.I'd rather money go towards that then expensive items.Not saying that I don't appreciated a well built piece of furniture nor a great fabric. I've just come to realize that not everyone keeps the same style for long. So why not recycle and create a vision on a great budget. I'm known for this at times with my friends. Any time they move they always ask . For simple advice. I truly enjoy it. Yard sales? yes please. I even hosted a yard sale one year and set the items up like a store window. Items sold great and people appreciated the visions. A perfect spring day. In my vision is my camera in tow. Walking amounts boutiques and taking in all the displays . Grabbing a light lunch and walking around with my love. ( that is very rare thou.) It is however good to dream. With kids in the walk. Its more of a mom. mom. mom. mom. Rather than a quite walk .

I currently have the joy of doing one of my deep passions for a living. I am a professional photographer. I get the pleasure of expresses a moment in a photo. And being able to share it. Its an amazing feeling when clients love your work. Just last week one of my shoots I sent a sample photo of the day to my client. She said right when she opened the file she cried. I made  her feel such a strong emotion without even saying a word. One day I dream of working for a large firm. TJX I always admired. Flying around the world. To do advertisement shoots . To see my work on a large print. Yea that would be pretty amazing. I'd say.

I'm learning ways to develop a connection with larger firms. I do volunteer work. Photograph events for non profit organizations. As well as take classes to put myself in the creative environment. Because doors can open at anytime. Why not be in a place where networking in strong.

I'm in the current stage of finding a mentor. A person who can guide me in the field to greater things. I  reached out to a few photographers in the industry. I will continue till I come across the right fit.

I'd love to work for a corporation that shows woman as is. In a non touched up form. Not in a way that it doesn't flatter them. But a sense of natural beauty. Most of my shoots I try to capture the beauty from the shoot within the time of the picture being taken. Photo shop is great and all. But not everyone needs to look like they are perfect at all times. I'd love to show beauty without being too perfect. Because this world at times can be in a bubble. Id love to pop it. Bring it back to a time where carefree beauty and smiles were contagious .

You make my heart flutter.
From beginning to end.
You make me feel like
I'm ten all over again.

You make my mind wander
to a place of creative imagination.
You always make me ponder .
You put me in the greatest situations.

You do ever so much.
With little realization.
That you are my love.
In every day visions .

My vision of a beautiful creation.
A visible sensation.

You are my everything for you are my hearts desire.
You light the fire in my soul.

I'm loving the way that everything is unfolding.
You are my eyes, heart and soul.

You capture everything and make time stand still.

For you are my passion .

And for that I am forever alive within you.

Grateful

Sometimes you ever sit and wonder. How grateful we have it to live in USA. We have many things to be grateful for here. We have freedom to walk amoungest each other. The freedom to educate ourselves. The freedom to marry outside of our race and gender. But yet at times we all get caught up in what we don't have. We don't have the newest trends . The sunniest days. Or the nicest house. Then I stop and think. Imagine living in another country. where poverty is living in a village somewhere. With no running water and nor clothes to dress our bodies. Poverty is not considered the projects. But yet sleeping on the dirt floor and not having the option to attend school. Where military come in to your village and execute half of the village. only to Kidnap your young son and brainwash them to kill. Sometimes I forget how grateful I am to live here. I forget with all the bad media. The ongoing nonsense. I forget how grateful I am to live in a place where the only thing holding me back at times . Is myself.

I am grateful for the air we breathe. The sun that shines on my pale skin. I am grateful for the laughter that fills the air, when you hear someone laugh so hard their belly jiggles. I am grateful for the good and bad times. They always taught me lessons and make me feel emotions. At times I never knew I had. I am grateful for the rainy days. A reminder to slow down at times and listen to the raindrops. I am grateful for the thunder. I always hear the pitter patter of my sons feet after. I am grateful for life itself. How a woman can create such life within her .with the courage to bring it to life. I am grateful for love. A hand held within mine. I am grateful for a tender kiss. Chapstick. especially in the cold months. I am grateful for the days and the nights I spend with loved ones and strangers about. I am grateful for all my luxieries and all the simplicities . The clothes on my families bodies. The hot water on a bright early morning shower. I am grateful for the earth. The sky . All being about. I am grateful for the seasons . I am grateful for everything and then some. For I am grateful for just being.

I want to take in my sunrises. To be still in the moment of non chaos . Silence and enjoy the moment of awaking the earth. The sun on the blossoming flowers. The awakening of the man opening the small coffee shop on the corner. I want to wander within nature and watch it awaken. See a bird fly for the first time. Watch it leave its nest. Enjoy the silence of the morning noises. The birds chirping near by. The rabbits hooping about. I want to take in the morning silence .

Fears

As a child I recall standing up in front of my classmates and having to explain to them that I had a form of epilepsy. I had to explain to them at such a young age that i may fall to the ground and black out. To not put anything in my mouth and to turn me on my side and get help. Not something I truly wanted to put into my friends minds. I never wanted them to perceive me as weak. You see I was never a weak person. It was not in my personality nor my soul. I was a strong person. Emotionally and physically. But that never stopped a seizure from happening. It was out of my control. Something that could not be stopped. I would get this beyond out of body experience. The world would slow down. I could feel my body quickly shutting down. Everything amplified. I could hear every movement. Every sound. And feel everything around me to the thousand degree. Then in a blink of an eye I was out. I used to call it my mini vacation from my body. Like my soul was just in the need of some traveling.
Thru the years the seizures went away. It was soothing to my mind. To know I no longer had to fear leaving my body.

Until a few years ago. I became ill out of no where. The fear returned. It returned in the same form but as a different issue. It took over my body and made me feel crippled all over again. The fear had gotten the best of me. You would have never know. I sat there and said positive things and kept a smile on my face most of the time. This form came in the lesson of learning to be patient. As a child I witness my mother have an addiction to many things. One of them was heroine. I would find needles around the houses and it would make my body tingle. I would pretend that I didn't see them. But I always knew they were there. They were there all the time. They were robbing me of good times . Good memories and replacing them with worry and anxiety. Needles stole my innocence.

Till I fell ill a few years ago. I felt weak all over again. I never wanted to relive that feeling of feeling weak. Then I realized it. I had to learn this lesson in order to grow. I was always pushing it out of my mind. So god kept putting it infront of me. Within a year my life involved an immense amount of needles. I had a bone marrow tap. A spine tap. And regular blood work and transfusions. The needles were present. They were not something I could escape. I had to deal with them on a level that I never imagined. My fear revisited.

As my fear revisited. It also was soothed . It was calmed by the feeling of having loved ones near. It felt different this time around. I knew I could control it this time in a way. My life was now mine. As I feel any kind of weakness arise in my body. I think of it as just a passing. That I have survived this before . I will survive it yet again. But this time I will not let it damage me but yet educate me.

I try to control this fear of falling weak. I calm my nerves and push thru it. When needed I will slow down and silent my mind and really listen to my body. Its a fear that I don't need within my life. But somehow tries to always sneak back in. I will over come this fear. I have to. Its the only way to live. I can not let the fear of falling weak . Cripple me while I am presently strong.

I have the power to overcome my worries and calm my mind. I always start my day with grateful thoughts and end the day in the same way.

Hip Hop Poem

Knock Knock banging on my door
I'm Sorry Chick Fear doesn't live here anymore.

Bang Bang Kicking at the door
I'm sorry Chick Fear is not welcome here anymore.

Knock Knock banging on the floor


Stomping my feet like a little kid
I hate feeling this way..

Just go away.

Pulling at my soul and fighting my mind
Its just a matter of time .

Bang Bang I hear my heart beating thru my chest.
Starting to feel a mess.

Damn I should probably go rest.

Pulling at me like a tug of war.
I will not open that door.

Knock Knock at the door.
I'm sorry fear doesn't live here anymore.

Bang Bang on the floor....
I will not answer that Banging anymore.

My present moment

As I sit here writing this. I munch on my fruit parfait. I can taste all the fresh strawberries, blueberries and granola. Its so soothing and relaxing. For once I don't have to share.Thats the best part of all. Its the end of the week. As we know it! Reflecting on the week that has past. Looking back it seems so far away. The days blurred into another.  We took in many emotions this week. The feeling of the sun was amazing one day. We got a glimpse of spring. A mini new england heat wave in the mist of this heavy winter air.  We felt the emotion of exhaustion. Our daughter as cute as she can be has became a mommas girl. She wants to be with me at all times. She is sucking the energy out of me on a daily basis. She loves the comfort of my voice and the touch of my embrace. I tip toe around the house at night time, like a teenager sneaking out of the house. She can feel my presence at anytime. As much as I love and dearly appreciate the love she has for me. I'm hoping these days are short lived. Its a suffocation itself. Ever try to do anything with a little person clinging to you at all times? Yea it can take a lot of energy out of you. We felt the emotion of excitement ! Took in some new adventures and explored each day. As a mother of young kids . Ive learned that the imagination can be the greatest gift you give your child. Each day I came up with a new adventure. A day filled with new thoughts and knowledge to make them think.

We felt a lot of great emotions. We as in my family, my team. The people who I share my days and nights with. The beings that I love with my heart and let them fill up my soul. We means so much more to me that just a word. Its speaking existence into the world. There is always an I but so much more when there is a we. A week has past and we built a strong bond. We laughed we listened and we  reminisced. 

Most of all this week I got time to myself . A rare moment . Time slowed down. I felt my heart beat and could feel my own emotions. It was amazing. Something that has become so rare. That has become so distance. Was here. I felt alive. I had a moment of clarity. All day Saturday I was with my mini me. No boys just us. We bonded and she held on to me like i was her favorite teddy bear. We laid in bed at one point and curled up under the plush white comforter. We watched a movie called "being flynn" It sucked us both in. I felt all the emotions of the movie. It was like a glimpse of my past, present and future. The movie summed up my parents . I was moved. As my mini me curled under my arm. We both melted into each other. In the movie one sentence stuck out. The father was an angry man. He was very aggressive and bitter. He turned around after yelling at his grown son. Said the words " you are not me nor your mother." I made you but you are not me. My heart fluttered. It was words that spoke to my heart. It may of not been from my own parents. But it was what my soul needed to hear. My week was made.

To add to our days we added some new plants and new frames  around the house. To speak new life into our place of peace. I love bringing nature inside and placing memories in frames. Of happy times to keep the spirit of the house upbeat. My spouse doesn't truly understand the meaning behind it just yet. But to me I know that I'm building a home that has great energy and life in it. I'm doing something that I was never taught. At this moment I am going to pat myself on the back. For I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. This week has been written and memories were made. Life was lived!

When I stop I notice that my muscles are tender but sore.
This week has brought many workouts and less carbs.
My body is awaken.
And tired all at the same time.
my eyes burn.
They want to rest and drift away to a dreamland near by.
I feel the cool air of the winter beneath my socks.
Creeping in .
Thoughts of my warm cozy blanket and soft pillow arise.
I feel the end of the day approaching.
The night has arrived and is very welcoming.
The sounds of the tv playing and light typing .
My mind is settling .
Then awakening all over again.
It wants to rest. To feel the freedom of drifting away.
while my tiny hands type away.
 I take a sip of cold water .
as it glides down my insides I feel the jolt of surprise.
The coldness feels alive.
In the distance I hear fussing.
my mind wants to drift away.
But the time is not always mine to do so.
Oh mr. sandman I know that you are near.
I know you have many journeys awaiting.
Until we meet .
I will feel the motions of my mind wanting to drift away.
until we meet .

Blessing

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was another long day. I was walking home from my after school job and had my walkman on. Possibly listening to my jodeci cassette for the 10th time in a row. I turned off the Main Street onto our street. To see a row of police cars lined up in front of my apartment. Their blue lights filled up the whole neighborhood. I instantly went into a sprint. Running as fast as my legs would let me. Feeling my heart beat faster and faster. My mind was thinking of the worst but hoping for it not to be true. You see 5out of 10 times that I seen a cop car or ambulance going in the direction of my apartment. It was truly going there. I made my way into the hallway and up the stairs to the apartment. Only to be pushed around by some cops. I said I live here. As I catch my breathe. What is going on ,as I take a look at my room and everything is a mess. My drawers were flipped out of my dresser and mattress and sheets were all distressed. It had settled in. It was a raid.

Feeling upset and disappointed. I kept my emotions at bay as the officers informed me In a forceful way to take a seat in the living room. I walked into the living room not to far from my room to see my mother and her husband sitting there in handcuffs. I look around the room to see it filled with cops going thru everything . My mother looks at me with tears in her eyes and says it's going to be ok. As she spoke those words a cop yells out from the other room that they found something. It was the smallest bag of  drugs that I ever seen. Yes I know sadly I was young and exposed to many things I should've never been. But this time I was exposed to the hate from authority. For something I never did or got involved with. As I sat there they belittled me and looked down upon me. And all I could think was man I had nothing to do with this. But it didn't matter to them. As they took my mother and her husband away. I stood at the top of the stairs. Watching them walk away. Then a lady approaches me and hands me her business card. With words that cut me to the bone. She looked at me and said you need to leave or you will be state custody. As a young teenager how was I suppose to feel? I went  back into the house and looked around. I started to pick up the mess and as doing so I looked around at the mix matching sofas. Bare walls and felt the hard carpet under my toes. It didn't feel welcoming but it was all I knew. Why would someone want to take me away. From a place were I was needed most? A place where a soul was slowly dying. I couldn't understand why? I was her only hope in her dark cold world. I didn't understand why . Why someone could be so cold to see. That I was needed there.

The next few days I went about like nothing was wrong. I got myself up in the morning and off to school. Sitting in class I would drift and fall out of focus wondering what as going to happen next. Living in a constant state of fear. I had a breaking point. I got up and walked out of class. Kept to myself and just took a breather. One teacher yelled ,we will be calling your house. A part of me was amused.knowing nobody was home to answer. Good luck with that one. I called my sister from a pay phone. She meet me outside our apartment later that night when I got home. As I opened the door to our small apartment . I seen my mother standing there. She was home. I walked past her to my room packed up my clothes into my green jansport backpack and grabbed my small black and white tv. She seen what I was doing and started to yell at me. I zoned her out. I walked past her and said goodbye. She then started to cry. I was going to live with a man a barely knew. A man that I seen twice a month and on holidays. My father.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Walk away from someone that depending on me so much. I started a new school the next year. I was a senior and felt like a lost puppy. While everyone was reconnecting with others. Back from summer vacation. I sat in my small desk. Lonely and lost. I no longer knew where I belonged. Nor understood where things were going. It was the day my life pressed reset.

The teacher called me up in front of the class to have me introduce myself and tell us a little about yourself.Embarrassed and feeling nervous. I took a deep breathe and walked to the front of the class . God the few moments after that became a blur. I mean I would never want to stand up and say the real reason I was there. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me. So I never let them know the downfalls. I was there for a reason. I was starting over!

The days went by and I began to bond with others and form friendships. For once in my life I was a youth. I still had a job after school. But at night I would go home and lay in my day bed in the dinning room and lay there with silence. No sirens or yelling. Just the noises of the house settling. At first I couldn't adapt. It scared me more with all the silence. Then it happened. I felt something that I never felt before. I felt at ease. Something I never knew I could feel. I still had the worries like any other teenager. But for once I was no longer carrying the world on my shoulders. I let go of thinking that I always had to carry my mother. It was beyond hard. But letting go was the best thing for me . It set me free from a prison. I was there to help and it was my time to be let free of that world. I will never forget those days. Now both my mother and step father have passed away. They have set their souls free. There is no longer that small apartment.



As troubled as those times were.

I am grateful for them.
They taught me a tremendous amount.
I learned that not everyone lives the same lifestyle as you.
To be gentle with your words you speak
To not judge so quickly.
That you never know someones story.
It was a step I knew I always had to take but couldn't swallow.
The hardest thing I ever had to do was walk away.
I now live a life filled with less stress and less drama in my life.
It was the biggest blessing in disguise.
The day those words cut me to the bone

The day I realized I needed to leave.

knowledge of self

As a child I always knew I wanted more. Growing up in a broken run down home was enlightening. It always kept me on my toes.  It truly was a big stepping stone. It lifted me up when it had so much power to possibly pull me down. I choose the harder road the road of a different scenery. I blossomed into a grateful person. Everything and anything I was grateful for. I lived threw the worst and was still smiling.

I learned that being grateful was the most important power one has control over in life. You wake up every morning with two options. Wake up with Gratitude ! Or complain! Either way the day will go on just in different ways depending upon your own outlook on the situations. I had an amazing career at a large security firm in the HR department. I was the youngest in the office. At times they would try and use that against me. I would be the one who went and picked up lunch and did the random errands as needed. But I never complained. I was always that person to be delighted to help out. After years with the company. One day our VP came in and said that they needed to have a meeting. All of us a little concerned we all meet around the round table. That was the day they announced to us that the company was being sold and merging with a larger company. Which meant we would all have the  option to apply at the new company but the position was not guaranteed. The VP called me into his office after the meeting. He had informed me that I was already guaranteed a position with the merge of the company and if i was interested. Delighted I agreed! While many others were let go I was brought over to the new company! For all those times I never complained. It didn't go unnoticed. I was ever so grateful to still have a career. 

While we merged with the partnering company I had to learn new ways. Many people that currently worked at the company were not interested in teaching someone new to the companies ways. It was more known as thrown into the fire moment. I worked hard and kept a smile on my face. For I was grateful for all the new experiences I was taking it in daily. I learned that many will like you and many will truly want to see you fail. That to me was my motivation. I never let anything effect me personally. My boss called it my "let it roll of my shoulders " personality. With all the politics of the corporate world. I kept a level mind. After a few months with the new company the VP asked to speak with me . We went for a walk over to Dunkins and he asked if I would be willing to take over a department. Thrilled and scared at the same time I willingly agreed! My hard work and dedication had paid off again. I had the power of not being effected by politics and the harsh effects of a corporate environment and I got noticed for it.

I took over the Uniform Department. Where I feel in love with my work all over again. I was able to size someone up with just a look. I had the hidden talent. On a daily basis it  was always busy with work and orders to place. I was always interacting with our employees and vendors.  I felt alive. Duran one of our season changes where I would have to change out all of our officers into a new uniform. Over 1500 at the time. I sat down and talked with my boss about costs of uniforms. The company at the time kept with one vendor. I wanted to branch out. Under his trust I reached out and made new contacts with another vendor out of PA. I made a price cut in the uniforms and saved the company a good amount of money with the same quality uniforms . At the same time connecting with outside vendors. On one occasion I had the president of the company out state and a vendor. Meet me in our Boston office. I remember that day as it was yesterday. I walked out to introduce myself as all of the others that threw me under the bus stood there in shock to see the president of the company standing there asking for me.I shook his hand and we went off to lunch. I was proud. The whole time I was paddling hard under the water but gliding across the pond like a swan!  It taught me that I wanted to get into the purchase agent industry. I still dream about working for TJX Corporation one day.

I learned that power of keeping a grateful heart and a positive outlook has gotten me farther in life than I could ever imagine.

Rap Poem

Keep playing games and 

those toys will go missing.

Stop playing with my emotions.

What you really want?

Lost my mind.

What you really want?

You wanna go for a ride?

Have you falling asleep with a bottle.

stop spitting my name out your mouth.

What you really want?

M....O....M

Spit up on my shirt one more times 

imma have you take a bath.

Stole my sanity and did it with a smile.

What you really want?

M..O...M

Got me tired as hell

working me day and night.

What you really want?

M...O....M

On the phone..

click ..

What you really want?

M...O..M

Robbing and stealing food off my plate

damn 

What you really want?

M...O....M

Finding my power

The moment in time when things just line up. When you sit there sigh and exhale. The moment when you realize this is it. This is my power. I get it now this is my life purpose. That's what I felt the moment I found my power to make others feel beautiful. I've always been one to be upbeat and positive and at times it rubbed off on others. But this time it was differnt, I not only rubbed off on people I influenced the way that they see themselves. It was magical! I had many photoshoots before with aspiring models and confident people. This time thou I reached out to a few individuals who had  a fear of photos of themselves. I could see in them that they didn't love themselves that society played it's part and broke them down. I wanted to be that person to play a part in rebuilding their confidence. I then realized that people had trusted in my work. That they found comfort within me, they trusted me with their fears and their insecurities. When someone trusts you that deeply. The pressure to exceed their expectations run high.

I would feel a little anxiety the night before any shoot . I would think over and over if  I had enough ideas and if everything was set up. I wanted to be prepared for anything. This one particular day I was doing an outdoor shoot. I was anxious as usual. The day was a sunny day and somehow I caught a lot of shadows in the shoot. As I went home and went over the shoot. I felt like a failure my exposure was off and I failed at the shoot. Sounds simple right? Well it hurt when it's something you are so passionate about. It takes a toll on your soul. I called the model and asked for a day to set a retake. 

From that day on. I explore ways to learn new techniques. To expand my knowledge of the industry and understand that at times things can not go the way as planned. But then again sometimes the best things happen when things don't go as planned. I talk myself up and remind myself that I can do this.

When I was a limitless child

Life was so simple.

Simple mind.

Simple food.

Simple clothes.

Everything seemed so simply.

So filled up with simplicity.

Days filled with laughter and joy.

Nights of dreams while out heads laid upon our fluffy pillows.

Simple Days.

Simple Nights.

Oh how I wish I was a limitless child .