Fears

As a child I recall standing up in front of my classmates and having to explain to them that I had a form of epilepsy. I had to explain to them at such a young age that i may fall to the ground and black out. To not put anything in my mouth and to turn me on my side and get help. Not something I truly wanted to put into my friends minds. I never wanted them to perceive me as weak. You see I was never a weak person. It was not in my personality nor my soul. I was a strong person. Emotionally and physically. But that never stopped a seizure from happening. It was out of my control. Something that could not be stopped. I would get this beyond out of body experience. The world would slow down. I could feel my body quickly shutting down. Everything amplified. I could hear every movement. Every sound. And feel everything around me to the thousand degree. Then in a blink of an eye I was out. I used to call it my mini vacation from my body. Like my soul was just in the need of some traveling.
Thru the years the seizures went away. It was soothing to my mind. To know I no longer had to fear leaving my body.

Until a few years ago. I became ill out of no where. The fear returned. It returned in the same form but as a different issue. It took over my body and made me feel crippled all over again. The fear had gotten the best of me. You would have never know. I sat there and said positive things and kept a smile on my face most of the time. This form came in the lesson of learning to be patient. As a child I witness my mother have an addiction to many things. One of them was heroine. I would find needles around the houses and it would make my body tingle. I would pretend that I didn't see them. But I always knew they were there. They were there all the time. They were robbing me of good times . Good memories and replacing them with worry and anxiety. Needles stole my innocence.

Till I fell ill a few years ago. I felt weak all over again. I never wanted to relive that feeling of feeling weak. Then I realized it. I had to learn this lesson in order to grow. I was always pushing it out of my mind. So god kept putting it infront of me. Within a year my life involved an immense amount of needles. I had a bone marrow tap. A spine tap. And regular blood work and transfusions. The needles were present. They were not something I could escape. I had to deal with them on a level that I never imagined. My fear revisited.

As my fear revisited. It also was soothed . It was calmed by the feeling of having loved ones near. It felt different this time around. I knew I could control it this time in a way. My life was now mine. As I feel any kind of weakness arise in my body. I think of it as just a passing. That I have survived this before . I will survive it yet again. But this time I will not let it damage me but yet educate me.

I try to control this fear of falling weak. I calm my nerves and push thru it. When needed I will slow down and silent my mind and really listen to my body. Its a fear that I don't need within my life. But somehow tries to always sneak back in. I will over come this fear. I have to. Its the only way to live. I can not let the fear of falling weak . Cripple me while I am presently strong.

I have the power to overcome my worries and calm my mind. I always start my day with grateful thoughts and end the day in the same way.

Hip Hop Poem

Knock Knock banging on my door
I'm Sorry Chick Fear doesn't live here anymore.

Bang Bang Kicking at the door
I'm sorry Chick Fear is not welcome here anymore.

Knock Knock banging on the floor


Stomping my feet like a little kid
I hate feeling this way..

Just go away.

Pulling at my soul and fighting my mind
Its just a matter of time .

Bang Bang I hear my heart beating thru my chest.
Starting to feel a mess.

Damn I should probably go rest.

Pulling at me like a tug of war.
I will not open that door.

Knock Knock at the door.
I'm sorry fear doesn't live here anymore.

Bang Bang on the floor....
I will not answer that Banging anymore.