Blessing

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was another long day. I was walking home from my after school job and had my walkman on. Possibly listening to my jodeci cassette for the 10th time in a row. I turned off the Main Street onto our street. To see a row of police cars lined up in front of my apartment. Their blue lights filled up the whole neighborhood. I instantly went into a sprint. Running as fast as my legs would let me. Feeling my heart beat faster and faster. My mind was thinking of the worst but hoping for it not to be true. You see 5out of 10 times that I seen a cop car or ambulance going in the direction of my apartment. It was truly going there. I made my way into the hallway and up the stairs to the apartment. Only to be pushed around by some cops. I said I live here. As I catch my breathe. What is going on ,as I take a look at my room and everything is a mess. My drawers were flipped out of my dresser and mattress and sheets were all distressed. It had settled in. It was a raid.

Feeling upset and disappointed. I kept my emotions at bay as the officers informed me In a forceful way to take a seat in the living room. I walked into the living room not to far from my room to see my mother and her husband sitting there in handcuffs. I look around the room to see it filled with cops going thru everything . My mother looks at me with tears in her eyes and says it's going to be ok. As she spoke those words a cop yells out from the other room that they found something. It was the smallest bag of  drugs that I ever seen. Yes I know sadly I was young and exposed to many things I should've never been. But this time I was exposed to the hate from authority. For something I never did or got involved with. As I sat there they belittled me and looked down upon me. And all I could think was man I had nothing to do with this. But it didn't matter to them. As they took my mother and her husband away. I stood at the top of the stairs. Watching them walk away. Then a lady approaches me and hands me her business card. With words that cut me to the bone. She looked at me and said you need to leave or you will be state custody. As a young teenager how was I suppose to feel? I went  back into the house and looked around. I started to pick up the mess and as doing so I looked around at the mix matching sofas. Bare walls and felt the hard carpet under my toes. It didn't feel welcoming but it was all I knew. Why would someone want to take me away. From a place were I was needed most? A place where a soul was slowly dying. I couldn't understand why? I was her only hope in her dark cold world. I didn't understand why . Why someone could be so cold to see. That I was needed there.

The next few days I went about like nothing was wrong. I got myself up in the morning and off to school. Sitting in class I would drift and fall out of focus wondering what as going to happen next. Living in a constant state of fear. I had a breaking point. I got up and walked out of class. Kept to myself and just took a breather. One teacher yelled ,we will be calling your house. A part of me was amused.knowing nobody was home to answer. Good luck with that one. I called my sister from a pay phone. She meet me outside our apartment later that night when I got home. As I opened the door to our small apartment . I seen my mother standing there. She was home. I walked past her to my room packed up my clothes into my green jansport backpack and grabbed my small black and white tv. She seen what I was doing and started to yell at me. I zoned her out. I walked past her and said goodbye. She then started to cry. I was going to live with a man a barely knew. A man that I seen twice a month and on holidays. My father.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Walk away from someone that depending on me so much. I started a new school the next year. I was a senior and felt like a lost puppy. While everyone was reconnecting with others. Back from summer vacation. I sat in my small desk. Lonely and lost. I no longer knew where I belonged. Nor understood where things were going. It was the day my life pressed reset.

The teacher called me up in front of the class to have me introduce myself and tell us a little about yourself.Embarrassed and feeling nervous. I took a deep breathe and walked to the front of the class . God the few moments after that became a blur. I mean I would never want to stand up and say the real reason I was there. I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me. So I never let them know the downfalls. I was there for a reason. I was starting over!

The days went by and I began to bond with others and form friendships. For once in my life I was a youth. I still had a job after school. But at night I would go home and lay in my day bed in the dinning room and lay there with silence. No sirens or yelling. Just the noises of the house settling. At first I couldn't adapt. It scared me more with all the silence. Then it happened. I felt something that I never felt before. I felt at ease. Something I never knew I could feel. I still had the worries like any other teenager. But for once I was no longer carrying the world on my shoulders. I let go of thinking that I always had to carry my mother. It was beyond hard. But letting go was the best thing for me . It set me free from a prison. I was there to help and it was my time to be let free of that world. I will never forget those days. Now both my mother and step father have passed away. They have set their souls free. There is no longer that small apartment.



As troubled as those times were.

I am grateful for them.
They taught me a tremendous amount.
I learned that not everyone lives the same lifestyle as you.
To be gentle with your words you speak
To not judge so quickly.
That you never know someones story.
It was a step I knew I always had to take but couldn't swallow.
The hardest thing I ever had to do was walk away.
I now live a life filled with less stress and less drama in my life.
It was the biggest blessing in disguise.
The day those words cut me to the bone

The day I realized I needed to leave.