Sometimes you ever sit and wonder. How grateful we have it to live in USA. We have many things to be grateful for here. We have freedom to walk amoungest each other. The freedom to educate ourselves. The freedom to marry outside of our race and gender. But yet at times we all get caught up in what we don't have. We don't have the newest trends . The sunniest days. Or the nicest house. Then I stop and think. Imagine living in another country. where poverty is living in a village somewhere. With no running water and nor clothes to dress our bodies. Poverty is not considered the projects. But yet sleeping on the dirt floor and not having the option to attend school. Where military come in to your village and execute half of the village. only to Kidnap your young son and brainwash them to kill. Sometimes I forget how grateful I am to live here. I forget with all the bad media. The ongoing nonsense. I forget how grateful I am to live in a place where the only thing holding me back at times . Is myself.
I am grateful for the air we breathe. The sun that shines on my pale skin. I am grateful for the laughter that fills the air, when you hear someone laugh so hard their belly jiggles. I am grateful for the good and bad times. They always taught me lessons and make me feel emotions. At times I never knew I had. I am grateful for the rainy days. A reminder to slow down at times and listen to the raindrops. I am grateful for the thunder. I always hear the pitter patter of my sons feet after. I am grateful for life itself. How a woman can create such life within her .with the courage to bring it to life. I am grateful for love. A hand held within mine. I am grateful for a tender kiss. Chapstick. especially in the cold months. I am grateful for the days and the nights I spend with loved ones and strangers about. I am grateful for all my luxieries and all the simplicities . The clothes on my families bodies. The hot water on a bright early morning shower. I am grateful for the earth. The sky . All being about. I am grateful for the seasons . I am grateful for everything and then some. For I am grateful for just being.
I want to take in my sunrises. To be still in the moment of non chaos . Silence and enjoy the moment of awaking the earth. The sun on the blossoming flowers. The awakening of the man opening the small coffee shop on the corner. I want to wander within nature and watch it awaken. See a bird fly for the first time. Watch it leave its nest. Enjoy the silence of the morning noises. The birds chirping near by. The rabbits hooping about. I want to take in the morning silence .
As a child I recall standing up in front of my classmates and having to explain to them that I had a form of epilepsy. I had to explain to them at such a young age that i may fall to the ground and black out. To not put anything in my mouth and to turn me on my side and get help. Not something I truly wanted to put into my friends minds. I never wanted them to perceive me as weak. You see I was never a weak person. It was not in my personality nor my soul. I was a strong person. Emotionally and physically. But that never stopped a seizure from happening. It was out of my control. Something that could not be stopped. I would get this beyond out of body experience. The world would slow down. I could feel my body quickly shutting down. Everything amplified. I could hear every movement. Every sound. And feel everything around me to the thousand degree. Then in a blink of an eye I was out. I used to call it my mini vacation from my body. Like my soul was just in the need of some traveling.
Thru the years the seizures went away. It was soothing to my mind. To know I no longer had to fear leaving my body.
Until a few years ago. I became ill out of no where. The fear returned. It returned in the same form but as a different issue. It took over my body and made me feel crippled all over again. The fear had gotten the best of me. You would have never know. I sat there and said positive things and kept a smile on my face most of the time. This form came in the lesson of learning to be patient. As a child I witness my mother have an addiction to many things. One of them was heroine. I would find needles around the houses and it would make my body tingle. I would pretend that I didn't see them. But I always knew they were there. They were there all the time. They were robbing me of good times . Good memories and replacing them with worry and anxiety. Needles stole my innocence.
Till I fell ill a few years ago. I felt weak all over again. I never wanted to relive that feeling of feeling weak. Then I realized it. I had to learn this lesson in order to grow. I was always pushing it out of my mind. So god kept putting it infront of me. Within a year my life involved an immense amount of needles. I had a bone marrow tap. A spine tap. And regular blood work and transfusions. The needles were present. They were not something I could escape. I had to deal with them on a level that I never imagined. My fear revisited.
As my fear revisited. It also was soothed . It was calmed by the feeling of having loved ones near. It felt different this time around. I knew I could control it this time in a way. My life was now mine. As I feel any kind of weakness arise in my body. I think of it as just a passing. That I have survived this before . I will survive it yet again. But this time I will not let it damage me but yet educate me.
I try to control this fear of falling weak. I calm my nerves and push thru it. When needed I will slow down and silent my mind and really listen to my body. Its a fear that I don't need within my life. But somehow tries to always sneak back in. I will over come this fear. I have to. Its the only way to live. I can not let the fear of falling weak . Cripple me while I am presently strong.
I have the power to overcome my worries and calm my mind. I always start my day with grateful thoughts and end the day in the same way.
Hip Hop Poem
Knock Knock banging on my door
I'm Sorry Chick Fear doesn't live here anymore.
Bang Bang Kicking at the door
I'm sorry Chick Fear is not welcome here anymore.
Knock Knock banging on the floor
Stomping my feet like a little kid
I hate feeling this way..
Just go away.
Pulling at my soul and fighting my mind
Its just a matter of time .
Bang Bang I hear my heart beating thru my chest.
Starting to feel a mess.
Damn I should probably go rest.
Pulling at me like a tug of war.
I will not open that door.
Knock Knock at the door.
I'm sorry fear doesn't live here anymore.
Bang Bang on the floor....
I will not answer that Banging anymore.
As I sit here writing this. I munch on my fruit parfait. I can taste all the fresh strawberries, blueberries and granola. Its so soothing and relaxing. For once I don't have to share.Thats the best part of all. Its the end of the week. As we know it! Reflecting on the week that has past. Looking back it seems so far away. The days blurred into another. We took in many emotions this week. The feeling of the sun was amazing one day. We got a glimpse of spring. A mini new england heat wave in the mist of this heavy winter air. We felt the emotion of exhaustion. Our daughter as cute as she can be has became a mommas girl. She wants to be with me at all times. She is sucking the energy out of me on a daily basis. She loves the comfort of my voice and the touch of my embrace. I tip toe around the house at night time, like a teenager sneaking out of the house. She can feel my presence at anytime. As much as I love and dearly appreciate the love she has for me. I'm hoping these days are short lived. Its a suffocation itself. Ever try to do anything with a little person clinging to you at all times? Yea it can take a lot of energy out of you. We felt the emotion of excitement ! Took in some new adventures and explored each day. As a mother of young kids . Ive learned that the imagination can be the greatest gift you give your child. Each day I came up with a new adventure. A day filled with new thoughts and knowledge to make them think.
We felt a lot of great emotions. We as in my family, my team. The people who I share my days and nights with. The beings that I love with my heart and let them fill up my soul. We means so much more to me that just a word. Its speaking existence into the world. There is always an I but so much more when there is a we. A week has past and we built a strong bond. We laughed we listened and we reminisced.
Most of all this week I got time to myself . A rare moment . Time slowed down. I felt my heart beat and could feel my own emotions. It was amazing. Something that has become so rare. That has become so distance. Was here. I felt alive. I had a moment of clarity. All day Saturday I was with my mini me. No boys just us. We bonded and she held on to me like i was her favorite teddy bear. We laid in bed at one point and curled up under the plush white comforter. We watched a movie called "being flynn" It sucked us both in. I felt all the emotions of the movie. It was like a glimpse of my past, present and future. The movie summed up my parents . I was moved. As my mini me curled under my arm. We both melted into each other. In the movie one sentence stuck out. The father was an angry man. He was very aggressive and bitter. He turned around after yelling at his grown son. Said the words " you are not me nor your mother." I made you but you are not me. My heart fluttered. It was words that spoke to my heart. It may of not been from my own parents. But it was what my soul needed to hear. My week was made.
To add to our days we added some new plants and new frames around the house. To speak new life into our place of peace. I love bringing nature inside and placing memories in frames. Of happy times to keep the spirit of the house upbeat. My spouse doesn't truly understand the meaning behind it just yet. But to me I know that I'm building a home that has great energy and life in it. I'm doing something that I was never taught. At this moment I am going to pat myself on the back. For I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. This week has been written and memories were made. Life was lived!
When I stop I notice that my muscles are tender but sore.
This week has brought many workouts and less carbs.
My body is awaken.
And tired all at the same time.
my eyes burn.
They want to rest and drift away to a dreamland near by.
I feel the cool air of the winter beneath my socks.
Creeping in .
Thoughts of my warm cozy blanket and soft pillow arise.
I feel the end of the day approaching.
The night has arrived and is very welcoming.
The sounds of the tv playing and light typing .
My mind is settling .
Then awakening all over again.
It wants to rest. To feel the freedom of drifting away.
while my tiny hands type away.
I take a sip of cold water .
as it glides down my insides I feel the jolt of surprise.
The coldness feels alive.
In the distance I hear fussing.
my mind wants to drift away.
But the time is not always mine to do so.
Oh mr. sandman I know that you are near.
I know you have many journeys awaiting.
Until we meet .
I will feel the motions of my mind wanting to drift away.
until we meet .
