Leaving a piece of me behind

Fast forward to a time when my hair is gray and my bones are weaker. A time were I look back on the days filled with glory and sorrow. Times when mountains felt like forever to climb. When life sometimes just flew by. Today on this day I sit here in my rocking chair. With my loves hand within mine. We look upon the sunset in the distance. We sip sweat tea and reflect upon our lives. As we flip threw our photo albums. We always kept things simple when it came to our photos. We liked them right were we could always see them and hold them near. As we turn the pages we see a lifetime of memories. Some good, some grande and many that became a blur. But because of these photos we have a refresher of those times. A great laugh or two. I'm grateful for these photos. They bring such an amazing feeling over us. They always held a power beyond words. They always did something I thought would be tough to do. They speak volumes without even speaking. I am filled with butterflies all over again.

Looking back. I see all the great people we meet and the lives that we have touched. Every business client we meet . Not only became a client but a part of our family. As the years went by all the bonds that we created along the way seemed to blossom. For what we did was not only capture a beautiful moment in time and freeze it. But we left a piece of us with them. A piece of self worth. Reminding them that everytime that they looked at that beautiful photo of themselves. That they felt self worth. Pride. Joy and strength. Threw the years I never knew how much I was truly leaving behind with others. Until one day. I had the courage to finally put a show together of our work. We rented out a large studio and held it on a summer night. I can recall it clear as day. We served light refreshments and the room had a light breeze coming within the room. Each wall had a single canvas photo on it. I was surrounded by all things I loved. My emotions were filled up with joy. A feeling that was something I never thought I could feel before. I felt overwhelmed with joy. Until it happened. You see that night we invited all of our clients. And then some to come to our studio night. We all mingled and held great conversation over the photos. Recalling memories that arose from looking at the photos.

That night I took the mic and thanked everyone for attending that it meant so much to us. As doing so. A few clients stepped forward and asked to say a few words. One gentleman named charles stepped forward. He held the mic and I stepped back to listen with the rest of the crowd. " You see I meet Kristina, at a difficult time in my life. A time when I didn't believe within myself. When I was thinking unhealthy thoughts. My wife and I separated. And I only seen my children every other month. It was heart breaking. I scheduled a shoot. With my kids and I. The day of the shoot I thought it would just be a regular shoot. Then I would part with my kids yet again. In our shoot Kristina interacted with us on such a fun spirited vibe. That my worries drifted in that time. When parting with my kids. Kristina had stepped aside with me and said I promise that you will never need to part with your kids. Your kids are always with you. As she handed me a candid photo of us all laughing together." She gave me something in the mist of sorrow. She gave me the moment in time of laughter shared with my children. Till this day I still carry it in my wallet. It always brings me joy.


Hearing this man. Brought tears of joy to my eyes. One after the other. Said a small speech about the photography. This whole time I was taking photos. I was doing more than just making a negative into a positive. I was developing memories. Leaving hope and happiness in others lives. I was living in many homes of others. I hung over fireplaces. I sat bedside on a night stand. I hung in windows of businesses. I was all around. I was creating life . For anytime you looked over at a photo that I captured. I was giving them a feeling. An emotion. And looking back now. I realize that what I did in life was I breathed life into my photos. I left a part of me in all of my work.

As I sit back and rock on this chair. I can not help but be proud. For what I did was create something amazing. And freeze it in time. I always knew that photos were great. Because of the fact that its the only thing that stays the same. Even when the people in them change.  My eyes brought beauty. As I look over the sunset at its lowest point. I exhale. Life is amazing. I am glad that I lived a life filled with many moments that slowed down to enjoy them.



poem


As you stand here over me
know that my body is here but my soul is set free

As you stand here over me
know that I will always be here with you

As you stand over me
know that you are starting to creep me out...

As you stand over me
know that I copywrited all of my work

As you stand over me
know that pictures last longer. you may just wanna take one

as you stand over me
know that if you look up you may just see me in the clouds

As you stand over me
know that you may of just looked like a fool looking for me in the clouds

As you stand over me
Please can you stop standing over me

I live within all the memories we made together. Please process

I will be right back

Grateful at work

My job?

Where do I begin? The list is long and endless. I'm always on call and even at times when I feel like I don't have any energy to go on.  But when this happens my bosses always seem to find ways to revise me. With their bright smiles. My little bosses command a lot from me. I am always on call. Never have sick days and at the end of the week I don't get the honor of a paycheck. Or the option to clock out. I take them out for adventures and we explore the grandest things on a daily basis. They bless me with expanding my horizon. By opening my eyes to the simplicity of life. 

I hold many positions. I am a cook, dry cleaner, maid, personal shopper, stylist, manager, boss, nurse, cab driver, host, party planner, spouse,Photographer, business owner, referee and the list goes on. I take pride in each hat I wear. The great thing about my job is that my days are never the same. I always have to stay in the state of being. While having things planned out. I also find that I know when to let plans fall apart so others can fall into place. I mean how wonderful is it to see my little bosses smile from ear to ear and giggle out loud . It echoes tingles up my body. A sense of fulfillment. Bringing joy to them and slightly remembering that these moments are precious memories being made. That it is not just a day of rushing for the hours to pass by. But letting the joys of the days consume you. For my job as a mom. Is to not only be there for them. But to be the guider. So they have memories that build them up and when times are rough for them I give them a sense of comfort. For my job is not so simple. It is not something that you can truly explain into exact words at times. But I will try to bring you a vision of how my job is.

Imagine. Going your days ,your nights and your weeks. Being three of you. Then multiply that by infinity. Its a feeling of being stretched to your greatest limits. Then a slight reminder will always stumble upon you reminding you. That you are something super. That what you are doing is grand. Its not something that someone may compliment you on. Nor something that you will get an award on. A raise? not in dollar form. But it gives you a sense of knowing that what you are doing is something beyond anything more that you can imagine. A feeling of knowing that you are in need. That you can not just give up. That you are 100 needed every moment of the day. You are not only a purpose of your life. But you are a purpose of others lives. I find many joys and sorrows in motherhood. At times that title gets little recognition. In a day that having it all means going to your 9-5 job and sending your kids to be raised by others. We took the chance of doing it the way that we found was best. I don't have a 9-5 job. My job is 24/7. And 99 percent of the time I would not change it.

The other percent of the time . I manage our photography business. Which brings me great joy.  I can go on an on about that but my pictures mostly speak for themselves.

Poem


I came here to show you how the light shines
for this thing called photography is all due in time.

I've pushed and pulled at all my hearts desires
for it is what my soul desires.

you wanna know my name?
its going to be in bright lights soon.

Making people shine .
in a photo ever so Divine

you wanna know my name?
its going to be in bright lights soon.

Showing you what I have
giving you all that I got

Cause its my time to shine.

You wanna know my name?
Its going to be in bright lights soon.

I'm determined and focusing in..
watch out world

Your going to know my name
lights camera actions

I have arrived.

Life in the future

It's early afternoon on a sunny spring day in the city. I am sitting in our photography studio. Looking around the room I feel a sense of joy. The light coming in from the large floor to ceiling windows are bringing such amazing light and a spring breeze into the room. That it is bringing such a sense of peace to my soul. Surrounded by great energy. Clean lines and creative artwork fills the space just right. I admire where I am. How far we have come and how successful our business is. As I sit in my soft white leather desk chair. I take in all the feelings. I look down at my clear glass desk and get a glance at our family photo. In a frame. It surrounds everything amazing. Our little family our kids and  a dog. (I finally agreed ) to get a dog. As long as our house had a fence and a yard. We lucked out with the house. I mean who gets a yard and a fence in the  city? Not many but we did. A great fit for our family. The kids school is a few blocks away. So I walk them into school in the morning on the way to the office. Our days are filled with activities. We finally found a balance at life. It took awhile to get here but making it was worth all of the wait. Sometimes I feel like I am daydreaming. Then n realize this is my life. This is now. This is pretty amazing. Ok enough of me. I have to get ready for our clients. Today we are doing a magazine spread. Time to do what we love.

The days have become hectic and work is on overflow now. My sisters realize that things are busy in my life right now. So they convince me that we need to take a  vacation. To reset our minds and get a sense of balance again. We sit on the phone and talk about where to go. They want to go to Texas. I seem to want more. I hang up the phone and lay there in our bed late at night. Listening to the mister toss an turn beside me. The window in our bedroom is slightly open. I can hear the cars going by and college students loudly talking outside. The bars must of just let out near by. I open up my iPad. To see my screensaver. A old vision board we made for class awhile ago. I sit and look at it. I always dreamt of going to Greece. To roam the beauties of the world. What ever stopped me? The fear of flying? The fear of getting sick over seas? The fear? Why was I fearing something so strongly? I decided to longer have this fear. I was going to book our trip. The week before our trip. I came down with a cold. My body was achy . My throat was sore and I was nervous all over again to make that flight. The day arrived and we boarded the flight. Leaving behind my little family. I was finally going on my dream vacation. We landed hours later. As we got to our villa. It was everything and more that I ever dreamt of. My soul was on a natural high. Beauty everywhere. Beauty that words could not describe. The food was so fresh and feed our bodies so well. By the end of our trip . I took a walk around the town we were staying at alone. As walking down the white stone stairs I slipped and fell. My leg felt to sore to walk on it. And my phone had no reception. I started to feel fear overcome me. How was I suppose to get ready to get on a plane in a few hours. When I was stuck. With no one to contact. I was scared and letting it start to take over me. All the fears have come back.

I must of passed out on those steps. I woke up to a man dressed in linen cloth pants and a white tank top. He had a sun kissed tan and combed back black curls. There was something about him that was so peaceful and I was taken in by it. I no longer had felt the fears I was feeling. His voice was soothing and he walked with grace. He was healing my leg with his tender touch.he helped me up and I could no longer feel any pain. We walked to a small cafe and sat outside and sipped on fresh smoothies. As he spoke of the waterfront living of this small Greece town. I stopped and looked around. Why was I leaving something so beautiful? This whole time I thought I was living my dream of living in the city. When all along the city was just a stepping stone. I wanted to feel this sense of peace everyday. To live a life a different way. In a new place. I always dreamt of coming to. It was no longer a dream it was a pull to bring me to the place I was meant to be. As I got back to our villa. I talked with my sisters. They thought I was crazy and said lets go. As we boarded the plane back home. I looked back at the clear blue sea and white buildings filling the town. As we got higher in the air. I felt a sense of knowing were I finally belonged. Fast forward a few months later. Our studio in the city is doing great. We hired more employees and now reside in Greece for half of the year. We fly back in the fall and enjoy both sides of the world.the kids love swimming in the ocean. Then coming home to white Christmas with our extended families. In Greece we opened up a small cafe where we have our photography hanging all around. I always thought our studio was amazing but I could of never imagined something as grand as this. I have to go now. It's lunch time in the town and wears all off to go enjoy a picnic. Life is grand.

poem

you magically appeared from a dream so distant
everything seemed to come together in a instant

I could never imagine something ever so bright
something that could be what i needed in life

like a cold summer breeze
you refreshed my soul

Touched me to the core of my existence

I felt alive in so many ways i never knew grace
could arrive so pleasantly

for a moment  always thought that you were a distance thought
a vision on the horizon that I could never reach

but the wind blew and you arrived at shore.
you swept me off my feet with all the mighty force.

you let down my fears and past sorrows
for you reminded me about my tomorrows

the days of sunshine and bitter sweetness
something i was ready to witness

you once stole me of my restless nights
wondering what tomorrow would bring

I realized now that was all an imaginary thing

you swept like the breeze you are and filled up my soul
with grace so mighty  .

I feel it in myself. I feel what I was yearn to be.

For Grace is now upon me.

Looking into the crystal ball

Looking into the crystal ball

The sun shines bright upon our days.
Laughter in the air.
Not a dark cloud near.

Fear is a distant memory.
For we leaped into our destiny.

At once I thought it would get the best of me.

I blossomed into more I ever thought I could be.
A flower in the meadow of simple seeds.

Those seeds were being nourished ,cared for and tended to.
For now I see the beauty in you.

The beauty that shines ever so bright.
The beginnings of a wonderful life.

Days of great purpose
Nights of great love.

Who would of known it all started with a tug.

Passion

Life is so much better when you discover your passion. A sensation of joy in all that you do. My passion started at a young age. In the mist of chaos. I always enjoyed order. Neatness and creating a sense of vision in a location. By finding the beauty around any location. On car rides I would look out the window and take in all the motions of people walking . The gestures in the newscast faces as the 10 o'clock news came on. The way they talked. I would vision a snapshot in my head. A photogenic memory. Was something I always had but never took to notice. I love making memories in photos. For I have found that it is the one thing that never changes. Even when the people in the do. I love photography. Creating a vision. To share with others. Its amazing that I can put what my mind sees into a creative photo. Show the beauty what I see. Without words. Without a single explanation. I can show you all that I see and make you feel an emotion. Within a captured moment.

Along with photography . I truly enjoy interior design. I appreciate all forms of design. But affordable design catches my interests the most. I truly appreciate making a space cozy and beautiful on a sensible budget. For life is about living and making memories.I'd rather money go towards that then expensive items.Not saying that I don't appreciated a well built piece of furniture nor a great fabric. I've just come to realize that not everyone keeps the same style for long. So why not recycle and create a vision on a great budget. I'm known for this at times with my friends. Any time they move they always ask . For simple advice. I truly enjoy it. Yard sales? yes please. I even hosted a yard sale one year and set the items up like a store window. Items sold great and people appreciated the visions. A perfect spring day. In my vision is my camera in tow. Walking amounts boutiques and taking in all the displays . Grabbing a light lunch and walking around with my love. ( that is very rare thou.) It is however good to dream. With kids in the walk. Its more of a mom. mom. mom. mom. Rather than a quite walk .

I currently have the joy of doing one of my deep passions for a living. I am a professional photographer. I get the pleasure of expresses a moment in a photo. And being able to share it. Its an amazing feeling when clients love your work. Just last week one of my shoots I sent a sample photo of the day to my client. She said right when she opened the file she cried. I made  her feel such a strong emotion without even saying a word. One day I dream of working for a large firm. TJX I always admired. Flying around the world. To do advertisement shoots . To see my work on a large print. Yea that would be pretty amazing. I'd say.

I'm learning ways to develop a connection with larger firms. I do volunteer work. Photograph events for non profit organizations. As well as take classes to put myself in the creative environment. Because doors can open at anytime. Why not be in a place where networking in strong.

I'm in the current stage of finding a mentor. A person who can guide me in the field to greater things. I  reached out to a few photographers in the industry. I will continue till I come across the right fit.

I'd love to work for a corporation that shows woman as is. In a non touched up form. Not in a way that it doesn't flatter them. But a sense of natural beauty. Most of my shoots I try to capture the beauty from the shoot within the time of the picture being taken. Photo shop is great and all. But not everyone needs to look like they are perfect at all times. I'd love to show beauty without being too perfect. Because this world at times can be in a bubble. Id love to pop it. Bring it back to a time where carefree beauty and smiles were contagious .

You make my heart flutter.
From beginning to end.
You make me feel like
I'm ten all over again.

You make my mind wander
to a place of creative imagination.
You always make me ponder .
You put me in the greatest situations.

You do ever so much.
With little realization.
That you are my love.
In every day visions .

My vision of a beautiful creation.
A visible sensation.

You are my everything for you are my hearts desire.
You light the fire in my soul.

I'm loving the way that everything is unfolding.
You are my eyes, heart and soul.

You capture everything and make time stand still.

For you are my passion .

And for that I am forever alive within you.

Grateful

Sometimes you ever sit and wonder. How grateful we have it to live in USA. We have many things to be grateful for here. We have freedom to walk amoungest each other. The freedom to educate ourselves. The freedom to marry outside of our race and gender. But yet at times we all get caught up in what we don't have. We don't have the newest trends . The sunniest days. Or the nicest house. Then I stop and think. Imagine living in another country. where poverty is living in a village somewhere. With no running water and nor clothes to dress our bodies. Poverty is not considered the projects. But yet sleeping on the dirt floor and not having the option to attend school. Where military come in to your village and execute half of the village. only to Kidnap your young son and brainwash them to kill. Sometimes I forget how grateful I am to live here. I forget with all the bad media. The ongoing nonsense. I forget how grateful I am to live in a place where the only thing holding me back at times . Is myself.

I am grateful for the air we breathe. The sun that shines on my pale skin. I am grateful for the laughter that fills the air, when you hear someone laugh so hard their belly jiggles. I am grateful for the good and bad times. They always taught me lessons and make me feel emotions. At times I never knew I had. I am grateful for the rainy days. A reminder to slow down at times and listen to the raindrops. I am grateful for the thunder. I always hear the pitter patter of my sons feet after. I am grateful for life itself. How a woman can create such life within her .with the courage to bring it to life. I am grateful for love. A hand held within mine. I am grateful for a tender kiss. Chapstick. especially in the cold months. I am grateful for the days and the nights I spend with loved ones and strangers about. I am grateful for all my luxieries and all the simplicities . The clothes on my families bodies. The hot water on a bright early morning shower. I am grateful for the earth. The sky . All being about. I am grateful for the seasons . I am grateful for everything and then some. For I am grateful for just being.

I want to take in my sunrises. To be still in the moment of non chaos . Silence and enjoy the moment of awaking the earth. The sun on the blossoming flowers. The awakening of the man opening the small coffee shop on the corner. I want to wander within nature and watch it awaken. See a bird fly for the first time. Watch it leave its nest. Enjoy the silence of the morning noises. The birds chirping near by. The rabbits hooping about. I want to take in the morning silence .

Fears

As a child I recall standing up in front of my classmates and having to explain to them that I had a form of epilepsy. I had to explain to them at such a young age that i may fall to the ground and black out. To not put anything in my mouth and to turn me on my side and get help. Not something I truly wanted to put into my friends minds. I never wanted them to perceive me as weak. You see I was never a weak person. It was not in my personality nor my soul. I was a strong person. Emotionally and physically. But that never stopped a seizure from happening. It was out of my control. Something that could not be stopped. I would get this beyond out of body experience. The world would slow down. I could feel my body quickly shutting down. Everything amplified. I could hear every movement. Every sound. And feel everything around me to the thousand degree. Then in a blink of an eye I was out. I used to call it my mini vacation from my body. Like my soul was just in the need of some traveling.
Thru the years the seizures went away. It was soothing to my mind. To know I no longer had to fear leaving my body.

Until a few years ago. I became ill out of no where. The fear returned. It returned in the same form but as a different issue. It took over my body and made me feel crippled all over again. The fear had gotten the best of me. You would have never know. I sat there and said positive things and kept a smile on my face most of the time. This form came in the lesson of learning to be patient. As a child I witness my mother have an addiction to many things. One of them was heroine. I would find needles around the houses and it would make my body tingle. I would pretend that I didn't see them. But I always knew they were there. They were there all the time. They were robbing me of good times . Good memories and replacing them with worry and anxiety. Needles stole my innocence.

Till I fell ill a few years ago. I felt weak all over again. I never wanted to relive that feeling of feeling weak. Then I realized it. I had to learn this lesson in order to grow. I was always pushing it out of my mind. So god kept putting it infront of me. Within a year my life involved an immense amount of needles. I had a bone marrow tap. A spine tap. And regular blood work and transfusions. The needles were present. They were not something I could escape. I had to deal with them on a level that I never imagined. My fear revisited.

As my fear revisited. It also was soothed . It was calmed by the feeling of having loved ones near. It felt different this time around. I knew I could control it this time in a way. My life was now mine. As I feel any kind of weakness arise in my body. I think of it as just a passing. That I have survived this before . I will survive it yet again. But this time I will not let it damage me but yet educate me.

I try to control this fear of falling weak. I calm my nerves and push thru it. When needed I will slow down and silent my mind and really listen to my body. Its a fear that I don't need within my life. But somehow tries to always sneak back in. I will over come this fear. I have to. Its the only way to live. I can not let the fear of falling weak . Cripple me while I am presently strong.

I have the power to overcome my worries and calm my mind. I always start my day with grateful thoughts and end the day in the same way.

Hip Hop Poem

Knock Knock banging on my door
I'm Sorry Chick Fear doesn't live here anymore.

Bang Bang Kicking at the door
I'm sorry Chick Fear is not welcome here anymore.

Knock Knock banging on the floor


Stomping my feet like a little kid
I hate feeling this way..

Just go away.

Pulling at my soul and fighting my mind
Its just a matter of time .

Bang Bang I hear my heart beating thru my chest.
Starting to feel a mess.

Damn I should probably go rest.

Pulling at me like a tug of war.
I will not open that door.

Knock Knock at the door.
I'm sorry fear doesn't live here anymore.

Bang Bang on the floor....
I will not answer that Banging anymore.